As summer festival season kicks into full swing, many of us are beginning to shuffle funds around our various credit and debit cards in a financially irresponsible game of three-card monte to get out to the events. But when you’ve finally secured your wristband, lanyard, amulet, or other means of entry, you really ought to start thinking about where you’re going to post up for the festivities—because whether or not you’re aware of it, that can tell the world a ton about who you are as a person.
Here’s a section-by-section breakdown of just what you’re conveying to the world with your listening location selection.
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kineticFIELD
You like what you like and aren’t too concerned with what Pitchfork has to say about your favorite headlining act. You’re going to rage your face off, either way.
You wonder just how hot those pyrotechnics must be up close if you can feel their heat when they go off from like, what, a football field away?
neonGARDEN
You wrote your senior thesis on Plastikman and will talk to anyone who will listen about the differences in consumer headphones. You’re not snooty about it or anything. You just appreciate audio fidelity, ok?
bassPOD
You’re here to get TU and are fully aware you’re going to be paying for it in the morning, but that’s never stopped you before.
I’d also be willing to throw down $5 that you can name every member of Planet of the Drums.
circuitGROUNDS
You’ve probably crossed oceans and continents to get to this stage, and you’re not gonna be upset if you find a little romance in the crowd this weekend.
Way Back in the Crowd
You’re a dandelion seed floating in the wind that can’t be bothered to plan out what sets you want to see ahead of time. You’ll wind up where you wind up. Besides—planning, schedules, clocks? Those are all totally against the spirit of this event, anyway.
Your friends probably hate you a little bit for making them stand in the nosebleeds for this set they’ve been dying to see since they first discovered the artist.
The Middle of the Crowd
There’s nothing wrong with engaging in some tactic-planning ahead of time to ensure you hit a few key sets. This is your one weekend this summer to really cut loose, and while you’re gonna play it loosey-goosey in the middle of the day, you’ll be damned if you’re going to miss out on some of these DJs you and your significant other have been dying to see. But there’s also no way in hell you’re going to work your way into the bedlam of the front rows. You’re getting a little too old to roll the dice on a cracked rib.
The Front Row
There’s no way you didn’t rudely/fake-nicely barrel your way through at least 100 people to make your way up to the railing, but it might all be worth it if Trippy Turtle sees your totem and invites you backstage, where you two will probably fall in love and start a life together.
The Fringes of the Crowd
You’re the chaotic neutral of the audience, ready to view the show at a reasonable distance but at an unpleasantly acute angle that would render most LCD TVs unwatchable.
You’re probably trying to meet someone or a group for this set and are hoping your text went through so they know to “meet between the 2nd and 3rd pillars back on the left side when facing the stage.”
Backstage
Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re non-talent and backstage—unless you’re a grizzled, middle-aged crew member in a black tee actually making this whole show operate (and thank you for your service, sirs and madams)—the entire world is probably thinking you’re blowing the artist, you’re bringing drugs to the artist, you’re some “industry” douche, or some amalgam of the three.
If you can live with that, enjoy the show from one of the best seats in the house. Besides, haters gonna hate no matter what, right?
Lying Down in the Middle of the Grass
“Hey, are you okay? Is she okay? Do you need me to get someone?” Better get used to hearing that, because many a well-meaning but overzealous fest-goer will be coming to your rescue, even though you’re just enjoying the lushness of the grass.
By the Food
Ain’t no thing. We all gotta recharge from time to time.
Under an Art Installation
You’re desperately hoping your friends keep their promise and meet you back here at the agreed-upon time. What the fuck, they’re 15 minutes late. Again. UGH! They always do this. People are so unreliable these days. Forget this, you’re so done with them. Consider this friendship ov—OHMYGOD THERE THEY ARE! Over here!!! Woo! Oh, thank God. Ok, where to next?
Outside the Porta-Potty Area
You’re waiting for a friend to finish going to the restroom. No man left behind at the porta-potties.
Skulking Around the Periphery of the Venue
Look, we’ve all been there, but try to act civilized and wait to get it on until you get to your car at the end of the night. Nobody here is trying to watch you and your significant other on YouTube the next afternoon.
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In the Beer Garden
You’ve put your youthful days of harder partying behind you. “My body doesn’t bounce back like it used to,” you say as you slam down your 10th tepid pint of the afternoon. You’re just exercising your God-given right to get utterly shit-housed like a tax-paying adult.
VIP
You started raving back in the SF warehouses of the ‘90s, and now you just need a couch to rest your knees after you attempted to shuffle for a minute.
In the Parking Lot
Who even gets scammed by fake tickets anymore in this age of RFIDs and photos of the bona fide passes plastered all over the internet? You, apparently.
