I woke up yesterday to the most beautiful of surroundings. I sat up and peaked behind me just in time to see the sun rising behind the Mokulua Islands. I kept the sliding doors to the lanai open the previous night, overlooking one of the most gorgeous views Hawaii supplies. Lani Kai is indeed lavish from the homes to the beach. It’s what you expect out of a Corona commercial. A scene free from worries besides running out of beer. The loveliness of the landscape and the house I was staying in should have made me giddy with gratitude and stoked out of my mind. Trust me, I wanted to be. But something was really off. My mind was telling me to go for a quiet run on the beach, but my body was not having it. My heart wanted to go to the open aired yoga studio (yes, that was seriously an option) and get lost in a self practice but it ended up feeling forced and shallow. Sitting down to meditate, I started chanting hoping it would lift my dull spirits. I began to wonder if something was going on physically. Where was all of my energy? I was falling flat and it wasn’t because I hadn’t had my morning coffee. I gave into my funk, packed my bags and headed home. 
Where was my Aloha Friday spirit?! I literally felt a heaviness in my body and a cloudiness in my head that made me want to go back to sleep. This wasn’t physical, this was mental and emotional. This was dukkha (Buddhist term for ‘suffering’ in it’s most simplistic definition).
Earlier this week I jotted notes from the text, The Heart of Yoga which quotes Patajanli saying that everyone has dukkha and that it serves as a wake-up call to further clarity and understanding. So what was it that I needed to wake up to? Why was I feeling so unhappy amidst being in my happy place? All I can say is once you start digging, you’re bound to uproot truth. My way of digging is writing. Once I started, this is what I came up with..
My truth is I need to relax into letting go. Release attachments and realize my deep struggle from trying to exist in two places (Washington & Hawaii). My truth is I’m tired of chasing my passions and trying to turn them into money making realities. I’m stressing over finances and a pending 3 week sabbatical (my own fault I realize). I’m constantly thinking of the next story I want to write, endeavor I want to embark on, how I can capitalize on the next move and never miss an opportunity for growth professionally, spiritually and emotionally. I’m just exhausted by it all.
My truth is I still fight those limited beliefs and negative thoughts that shut me down. “I fear commitment”//”I’m not experienced enough for that job”// “I’m being judged.”//”I’ll fail” What started as soft trade wind thoughts eventually shifted to a full on shit storm of dukkha and I was seriously having a pity party with a VIP section for 1.
The last note I had written said “everything in our experience is changing. Nothing, including dukkha is a fixed condition.” Thank Jesus, Allah and Buddha. What a wonderful reminder. I made my way to the studio and poured what little positive energy I felt into teaching and being present for my students. And that’s where the shift began to happen. Because this is yoga. It’s looking at yourself, your suffering, baggage, negative samskaras (habits/patterns), and doing the work to rise above it and evolve. It’s recognizing that we all have things we are dealing with, problems we are trying to solve and having compassion for the experience. It’s knowing that although it’s unavoidable, we do have a choice as to how we proceed and react to our conditions.
Teaching that one class re-inspired me to stay on the path of my passion. Things will fall into place.
So I guess the point of this story is remembering that suffering exists no matter where you are. Instead of running and pushing it to the side I suggest really looking at it. Understand the core issue and work from there to evolve. Most importantly remember that our experience is always changing and a permanent state of mind does not exist. Rain yields rainbows. We just need to accept it as part of the journey.
aloha nui xo
